For Valentine's Day, I Tried Sexting My Girlfriend Lines From Riff Raff Poetry Book

Last month, 2014's hottest human meme Riff Raff made the logical next step in his career arc: he put out a poetry book. As someone who has paid something like 70 American dollars to see Riff Raff in concert three times, owns NEON iCON on vinyl, and who reads at least two books a week (yeah, jealous much?), there are few products in our late capitalistic society that demanded my purchase more than Neon Vibes. So I smashed that "Buy" button and in 3-5 business days received my copy.

But what would I do with such a flawless totem of the intersection of meme-able music celebrity, the decline of the publishing industry, and the relative rad-ness of holographic covers? I couldn't just read it, right? I needed to use it to facilitate a totes tubular, unique experience. Plus I hate poetry. I've read only one poetry book in my adult life--E-mails from Scheherazad--and that was only to impress a woman I was dating.

Then it hit me: that woman I read that other poetry book for! We live together now, so, poetry books have been pretty good to me, all things considered. I mean, I have to do twice as many dishes, will never have a dining room table devoid of clutter again in my life, and take out the trash more often now, all off a poetry book. I'm kidding: domesticity with a partner you love is incredibly dope. But sometimes, after you've had to spend a Friday night at Menard's buying a toilet snake because of what that partner you love did to your apartment's plumbing infrastructure, you aren't sure what to text your partner that shows that you still love them as much as you did when you were making sure not to fart in front of them.

Plus, it's Valentine's Day weekend: the time for romance is nigh. So, I resolved to romance my girlfriend by sexting her lines from the Riff Raff poem book. Was she bowled over by my neon vibes? This is my story:

She even hit me with the purple pickle, smfh.